hesadevilspike ([info]hesadevilspike) wrote,
@ 2007-06-25 18:09:00
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Setting Post LMPTM (pre-series)
Characters Drusilla, Spike.
Rating Tame.

Written for: [info]open_on_sunday's prompt Birthday

Not one of my best efforts but the blond pest has gone AWAL again.
ETA It's better now, thanks to bit of beta work by [info]speakr2customrs

Mother


“What’s wrong, pretty William?”

“Nothing. It’s… nothing.” He rolled away from her and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Come back to bed.”

“I can’t. Not here.” He bundled Drusilla’s clothes into her outstretched arms. “We’re leaving.”

They dressed in silence. William, with his back to her, stared blankly at the brass bedstead.

Drusilla reached out towards him. “Mummy will kiss it better.”

“Stop treating me like a child. You’re not my mother. Mother once gave birth to me in this room.”

He left the bedroom and gazed down the staircase. “Down there. I killed her. Twice.”



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[info]speakr2customrs
2007-06-25 06:46 pm UTC (link)
Very good.

It might, however, have had a little more impact with a slight change to the word order at the end:
"Down there, I killed her. Twice."

I'll elaborate in August.

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-25 07:21 pm UTC (link)
You're absolutely right. I'll change it if you don't mind.

I did say it wasn't one of my best.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 08:27 pm UTC (link)
Haunting.

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-25 08:31 pm UTC (link)
It certainly haunted Spike.

I'd like to write about the time immediately after he killed his mother in a longer fic. I need to explore exactly how he managed to repress it so well that The First could make such good use of it.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 08:32 pm UTC (link)
Sounds like a plan!

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-25 08:36 pm UTC (link)
But the Muse is being very tight-lipped about it, so I may abandon it before I even begin.

Did you see the good work Speakr did for me with this drabble? It really lifted the final lines. Things are looking very promising for August.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 08:38 pm UTC (link)
Know the feeling.

Did you tweak it? Did I see the original version?

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-25 08:43 pm UTC (link)
The original ending was 'I killed her. Twice. Down there.” Not nearly the same impact as the revised version.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 08:52 pm UTC (link)
Oh. Actually I think I prefer your version. Because while speaker's version is a more logical order of words (he's looking down the staircase, so 'down there' comes first) I don't think that's the order of what William's thinking. It's the 'I killed her. Twice' that's really playing on his mind.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 08:55 pm UTC (link)
Also 'Mother once gave birth to me in that room.' runs into 'Down there' without much of a pause in his speech, which kind of implies the room he was born in was down the stairs.

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[info]hesadevilspike
2007-06-25 09:04 pm UTC (link)
I agree with you, so I've inserted a pause by starting a new paragraph as he gazes down the stairs. That will help with his backward comment about the bedroom in which he was born as he leaves it.



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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 09:08 pm UTC (link)
Hmm. I'm not sure “Mother once gave birth to me in that room.” works now because he's not saying it to anyone.

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[info]green_maia
2007-06-25 09:15 pm UTC (link)
I agree with [info]bogwitch - I prefer the original ending.

Or, what about: "I killed her. Down there. Twice."

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[info]hesadevilspike
2007-06-25 09:19 pm UTC (link)
You know, that's even better. Perhaps I should post two versions?

Or, as Boggy says, it may be wiser to stop tweaking.

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-25 08:57 pm UTC (link)
Yes it's the two times killing that's playing on his mind. Which is why it's a more powerful counterpoint to 'mother once gave birth to me', to end the whole thing with the word 'Twice'.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 08:52 pm UTC (link)
You're missing a full stop at the end btw.

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[info]hesadevilspike
2007-06-25 09:14 pm UTC (link)
Fixed!

I'm gonna stop tweaking now or I'll break it. It seems to work for people either way.

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[info]bogwitch
2007-06-25 09:15 pm UTC (link)
Very wise.

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[info]green_maia
2007-06-26 12:44 am UTC (link)
Painful. And haunting. And powerful. And so incredibly sad.

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-26 12:55 am UTC (link)
Thank you so much,that's what I was aiming for.

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[info]lillianmorgan
2007-06-26 10:29 am UTC (link)
Lovely Drusilla voice! But poor thing - she hasn't quite learnt how to control Spike just yet...

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-26 11:12 am UTC (link)
Did she ever? I think their relationship had a lot more to do with Spike's residual humanity than her ability to manipulate.

But I'm open to be persuaded otherwise!

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[info]lillianmorgan
2007-06-27 08:12 am UTC (link)
Heh, I think Drusilla's role in the relationship comes down to how much you think of her as a manipulator and strategist; and whether she used her implied weaknesses and mental illness as a way of tightening her hold over Spike, as a way of calling to his chivalrous side to take care of her. Yeah, it's really a matter of figuring out who is the one in control of that mental game between them ;) And on which side you see them! (Plus all the other stuff involving Angelus of course *g*)

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[info]hesadevil
2007-06-27 08:57 am UTC (link)
Nods. I never thought that Dru deliberately chose him to take care of her, but she saw the chivalrous knight in him when all everyone else (apart from his mother) saw was a weak, romantic fool.

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